E3 - EA- First impressions.
E3- EA The Beginnings
I WOULD SAY THIS IS BEST AS A COMPANION TO THE VOD OF THE SHOW.
For years, well the past two years really, I get so excited for events like E3 but not because of the press conferences – god no I couldn't care less about those – what I love is the snark, on twitter on livestreams but where ever it's coming from; I love it. This year I thought 'Hey, why don't I contribute this year?' So I am. With writing, because why not? My idea is to write this whilst watching the actual show and then make funnies? I'm not sure; I've never done this before, this may never even be published. Anyhoo, my plan for this is to simply be my opinions, most likely sarcastic, on the conference that I am watching at the time. I will also include my favourite snarky tweets that I see. I will not be saying who won out of all the companies because, in my eyes, they're all cringey failures. Let's go! (Well I mean I'm Writing this in advance so the show isn't actually on right now). Let's go in a few hours!
I should mention the version of the stream I watched was actually the Total Biscuit co-stream, because the thought of watching that as dry as it is terrifies me; hey, not like I could get more biased about this though.
Anticipation, excitement, cynicism, the EA logo, lotta red, the overwhelming aroma of BO slowly rising- I assume I've never been so I'm not sure, seems like a safe bet though.
I have to say the music put on by TB, I assume its just TB's stream, really helps build hype, until the snark starts. Then he plays the Final Fantasy level up/end of fight music.
I made brownies, you know?
This will hopefully help me through the ordeal that EA. I will report throughout what the it's like, mostly through the sports probably.
If you can't tell this is when the timer is counting down and I'm just filling time, don't know why this is literally just writing and I don't need to fill shit. If you haven't worked it out yet, I'm writing this live, basically I had the idea to capture my first impressions of E3 and join in on the snark but I wanted to do it in my own way and I enjoy writing and am way more confident with words than spoken words. So hey I'm trying.
Still a minute and a half, ugghh.
Oh, trailer time. Let the adverts begin.
Wait, no. They rated the conference.
EDM BOY EDM with random games.
So this brownie, it's kinda dry. But, it's been a year since I've baked so all in all, I think I've done pretty well.
AND THEN, there was a basic white guy in a basic white and black suit; but! He's got his top button so you know he's casual.
The guy said "massive innovation" Yeah ok, dude. Then he goes to say they've addressed "ALL the feedback" The lies have started already.
Battlefield 1 from the Creator cave.
Can I just say, EA, YOU ARE not down with DA KIDZ.
That man killed them all.
I have to say I wholly do not care about battlefield, I used to like it, that ship has sailed now.
EA stole Ubisoft's Iconic?
"Now enough of me, h a h a"
The best way, I'd say, to experience this brownie is with a nice yogurt because as I said before it's quite dry, so the yogurt helps add moisture to it.
I thought my stream just broke because I tuned out the conference because sports then, for a few seconds, silence.
Genna, from TB's stream, talked football I was completely lost.
Wait, I thought I was watching a gaming press conference, SO DEEP, not a comedy duo, who are severely lacking in comedy; which I understand at least. The audience don't seem to know either, or care. Hey at least they're less robotic than the rest of EA.
Go please.
Are sports done yet? I just realised I ask this question a lot.
The guy in denim, who I don't know reminds me of a character who should be in Watch Dogs 2, AGAIN STEALING FROM UBISOFT.
The sides of this brownie, I'm saying brownie because it's just a massive one, are slightly burnt because my oven is really bad.
CAR PORN
Shame I'm not a real man filled with testosterone. What I will say is are there really so many pre-rendered scenes in the actual game, If so that'd be infuriating. The game reminds me of every driving game I've seen, alright if you're into it.
INDIE
WE WILL OWN EVERYTHING.
Hey, at least we get games now... Pre-rendered trailers?
I don't think I'm as excited as that prison game, "A Way Out" as everyone else seems to be.
I did actually play Brothers Tale of two sons, I never finished it though, seemed cool.
Did he really forget his lines?
YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING... WELL NOT EVERYTHING.
This seems like it's over promising.
Has to play multiplayer only, I'm out. Not interested.
I like the idea of A Way Out, however they seem to be over-promising and I'm not that interested with multiplayer and don't have many people who like multiplayer either.
So EA made Skynet?
EA made Skynet.
XBOX One Scorpio – Don't care.
Bring the Trump Wall Jokes.
That new IP looked interesting, glad it was glossed over.
I think the problem is that I used a tray that was way too big so all the brownie mix spread out too thin so it cooked quicker, that's a problem because I think brownies should have a slightly gooey center, not uncooked, just moist. MOIST.
ANOTHER UBISOFT ICONIC
Is that Kendrick Lamar?
You wanted to pause? I thought the sports were the break....wha....ok.
FREE? What? That’s weird to hear from EA, even the guy looked pained to say it.
STAR WARS
Fake tweets are fake and too pleasant.
In depth cinama-what?
Is she playing a character, or is she just really really pissed.
"We love money!"
Three times the content; so half an average sized game?
This is giving literally no info at all about Battlefront 2 at all. It is literally just saying, 'well there's more than last time' which isn't hard since Battlefront 1 had NOTHING in it.
Who? Gamechangers What's that mean? GAMECHANGERS. But what's a... GAMECHANGERS.
I haven't seen the new Star Wars films, so this may be completely lost on me.
They used the word "free" twice in this conference. What?
Ah, Pre-order bonuses that’s more like the EA I know.
Did she just give the v sign to the crowd as she passed over to the other people?
MBA? Was that a fuck up? It's E3 I'll assume it was.
I am making such a mess with this brownie, it's just crumbling which I'm gonna say it is because it's so dry. I have to stop eating this, I'm starting to feel sick. The taste of it is – well – chocolate. It's just plain chocolate, I do like how the pack that I bought had little bits of chocolate in. Funny story actually when I was mixing I thought there were air bubbles still in it, but it was actually little chocolate pieces haha.
The bad "esports" commentary, of a game that has basically already been released from what I gather; I never played the first, is still going on.
So I haven't eaten sweet things in about a year, which If you don't know it's not a good idea to come back to eating things filled with sugar in large quantities because it makes you feel really fucking ill.
From what I gather is that if you're one of the 'heroes' then the game is easy and fun, if you're not: HAHAHAHAHA Fuck you.
Well that was just as unappealing as the first one.
Is this over yet? This brownie is fucking my insides up.
'Download our app because We JUST LOVE MONEY'
A no sound ad for a mobile app game sums up this shit show.
LOOK AT THIS EMPTY BOOTH.
'This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a whimper'
OH GOD JUST END.
*Sigh*
Improved controls, OH GOD I CAN'T STAY ON THE ROAD!
Have they just got time to fill so they're repeating what they've already shown.
Hey, here's an idea: SHOW THAT NEW BIOWARE IP YOU GLOSSED OVER.
Can 'heroic driving physics' be the new 'Massive damage' Please?
I've even ran out of things to say about my brownie.
If you're wondering about the bold writing, it's to show my slow descent into repetitive madness. Actually, I accidently pressed it and since I'm in coma state from the brownie so I can't be bothered to turn it off.
Breathing cars is not endorsed or recommended by EA or another companies involved in this game, EA and it's partners cannot be held responsible for breathing cars.
Ok, this one is my favourite tweet so far, thanks Gav.
Is this purgatory? I think so.
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I DIE.
Even TB gave up.
No way, who are you?
So much man love.
I had to change to the twitch stream of the conference, it's so lonely without TB.
At least the chat feels the same way as me.
Who's playing with each others missiles?
NO THEY BROUGHT IN THE GAME CHANGERS.
FUCK IT, I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.
Let it be known I lasted longer than TB, never thought I'd say that.
In Summary
That was so boring, oh god that was the worst thing I've ever seen, I don't even want to summarize it. Because there is nothing to summarize. That should have been a thirty minute show. What did they talk about? DLC for a game that's already out, A Way Out, a game so similar to it's predecessor that it may as well be a remake, sports sports sports and more sports. Oh, and that Bioware IP that I forgot about and by the looks of it so did EA.
So what's my score?
A brownie that makes you feel sick/10
Want a proper score? Wait for everyone else's, you should know by now I don’t do actual scores.
I hoped you enjoyed this unedited first impressions of the EA E3 conference. Like I said before this is best if you watch a VOD of the show with this, but even if you can't I think people could still understand what the show was like from this.
BTW, I went back to the stream, they were still talking about sports.
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